Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that being likable comes from natural, unteachable traits that belong only to a lucky few — the good-looking, the fiercely social, and the incredibly talented. Falling prey to this misconception is easy. In reality, being likable is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).
In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 adjectives based on their perceived significance to likability. The top-rated adjectives had nothing to do with being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive (innate characteristics). Instead, the top adjectives were sincerity, transparency, and capacity for understanding (another person).
These adjectives, and others like them, describe people who are skilled in the social side of emotional intelligence. TalentSmart research data from more than a million people shows that people who possess these skills aren’t just highly likable; they outperform those who don’t by a large margin.
We did some digging to uncover the critical behaviours that emotionally intelligent people engage in that make them so likable. Here are 13 of the best:
1. They Ask Questions
The biggest mistake people make when it comes to listening is they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them that they fail to hear what’s being said. The words come through loud and clear, but the meaning is lost.
A simple way to avoid this is to ask a lot of questions. People like to know you’re listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows that not only are you listening, you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking questions.
2. They Put Away Their Phones
Nothing will turn someone off to you like a mid-conversation text message or even a glance at your phone. When you commit to a conversation, focus all of your energy on the discussion. You will find that conversations are more enjoyable and productive when you immerse yourself in them.
3. They Are Genuine
Being genuine and honest is essential to being likable. No one likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are authentic because they know they can trust them. It is difficult to like someone when you don’t know who they really are and how they feel.
Likable people know who they are. They are confident enough to be comfortable in their skin. By concentrating on what drives you and makes you happy as an individual, you become a much more interesting person than if you attempt to win people over by making choices that you think will make them like you.
4. They Don’t Pass Judgment
If you want to be likable, you must be open-minded. Being open-minded makes you approachable and interesting to others. No one wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed an opinion and is not willing to listen.
Having an open mind is crucial in the workplace where approachability means access to new ideas and help. To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment, you need to see the world through other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require you to believe what they believe or condone their behaviour, it merely means you quit passing judgment long enough to understand what makes them truly tick. Only then can you let them be who they are.
5. They Don’t Seek Attention
People are averse to those who are desperate for attention. You don’t need to develop a big, extroverted personality to be likable. Just being friendly and considerate is all you need to win people over. When you speak in a warm, confident, and concise manner, you will notice that people are much more attentive and persuadable than if you try to show them you’re essential. People catch on to your attitude quickly and are more attracted to the right attitude than what — or how many people — you know.
When you’re being given attention, such as when you’re being recognized for an accomplishment, shift the focus to all the people who worked hard to help you get there. This may sound cliché, but if it’s genuine, the fact that you pay attention to others and appreciate their help will show that you’re appreciative and humble — two adjectives that are closely tied to likability.
6. They Are Consistent
Few things make you more unlikable than when you’re all over the place. When people approach you, they like to know who they’re dealing with and what sort of response they can expect. To be consistent you must be reliable, and you must ensure that even when your mood goes up and down, it doesn’t affect how you treat other people.
7. They Use Positive Body Language
Becoming conscious of your gestures, expressions, and tone of voice (and making sure they’re positive) will draw people to you like ants to a picnic. Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards the person who’s speaking are all forms of positive body language that high-EQ people use to draw others in. Positive body language can make all the difference in a conversation.
It’s true that how you say something can be more important than what you say.
8. They Leave a Strong First Impression
Research shows most people decide whether or not they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction. This may sound terrifying, but by knowing this, you can take advantage of it to make huge gains in your likability.
First impressions are tied intimately to positive body language. Healthy posture, a firm handshake, smiling, and opening your shoulders to the person you are talking to will help ensure that your first impression is a good one.
9. They Greet People by Name
Your name is an essential part of your identity, and it feels terrific when people use it. Likable people make sure they use others’ names every time they see them. You shouldn’t use someone’s name only when you greet him. Research shows that people feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name during a conversation.
If you’re great with faces but have trouble with names, have some fun with it and make remembering people’s names a brain exercise. When you meet someone, don’t be afraid to ask her name a second time if you forget it right after you hear it. You’ll need to keep her name handy if you’re going to remember it the next time you see her.
10. They Smile
People naturally (and unconsciously) mirror the body language of the person they’re talking to. If you want people to like you, smile at them during a conversation, and they will unconsciously return the favour and feel good as a result.
11. They Know When To Open Up
Be careful to avoid sharing personal problems and confessions too quickly, as this will get you labelled a complainer. Likable people let the other person guide when it’s the right time for them to open up.
12. They Know Who To Touch (and They Touch Them)
When you touch someone during a conversation, you release oxytocin in their brain, a neurotransmitter that makes their mind associate you with trust and a slew of other positive feelings. A simple touch on the shoulder, a hug, or a friendly handshake is all it takes to release oxytocin. Of course, you have to touch the right person in the right way to release oxytocin, as unwanted or inappropriate touching has the opposite effect. Just remember, relationships are built not only from words but also from general feelings about each other. Touching someone appropriately is a great way to show you care.
13. They Balance Passion and Fun
People gravitate toward those who are passionate. That said, it’s easy for passionate people to come across as too serious or uninterested because they tend to get absorbed in their work. Likable people balance their passion with the ability to have fun. At work, they are serious, yet friendly. They still get things done because they are socially competent in short amounts of time and they capitalize on precious social moments. They minimize small talk and gossip and instead focus on having meaningful interactions with their coworkers. They remember what you said to them yesterday or last week, which shows that you’re just as important to them as their work.
Bringing It All Together — Likable People
Likable people are invaluable and unique. They network with ease, promote harmony in the workplace, bring out the best in everyone around them, and generally seem to have the most fun. Add these skills to your repertoire and watch your likability soar!
About the Author:
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the co-founder of TalentSmart, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Originally published by Dr. Travis Bradberry on Talentsmart.com.
Offering employees career development opportunities is extremely beneficial
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