“How can I improve?” v. “What will they think?” | Development v. Perfection

The fear of failure and our desire to be loved and admired creates pressure to appear as being perfect. “What will they think?” — is an externally-focused perfectionism question. Authentic self-development is an ongoing process of making ourselves better for us. “How can I improve?” is a self-focused healthy striving question to deal with our imperfection.

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” — Brené Brown

Living wholeheartedly means exchanging your mindset from trying to be perfect and identifying yourself with what others think to feel “I am enough.” Brené Brown describes wholehearted living is a process that never stops, it is the opposite of a one-time choice. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection. The three gifts of imperfection are:

• Courageous — making the people around us and us better.
• Compassionate — using boundaries to hold people accountable, instead of blaming and shaming them.
• Connected — thriving emotionally, physically, socially, and intellectually with other people.

The ripple effect of the three gifts is powerful when it compounds.

The Guideposts for Wholehearted Living

In transforming your mindset, you need to let go of:

• what people think
• perfectionism
• numbing and powerlessness
• scarcity and fear of the dark
• the need for certainty
• comparison
• exhaustion as a status symbol
• productivity as self-worth
• anxiety as a lifestyle
• self-doubt and “supposed to”
• being cool and “always in control”

If you want to feel alive, be brave to step into fear and the unknown. It is scary but what is more terrifying is to live a life not true to yourself.

Perfectionism Is Not a Standard; It Is an Adaption Strategy

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.” ― Anne Lamot

Perfectionism is one of the twelve adaptation strategies we measure. We all cope with life’s problems in diverse ways. Adaptation strategies are how we may respond under adverse conditions to deal with difficult emotionally challenging situations. If you are high in both perfection and workaholism traits, it is essential to find robust strategies to manage this combination. You are prone to see your exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.

Self-Development is another one of the 85 performance traits we measure. It is one of the ten attributes we measure in our grouping the “Means of Self-assessment.” The self-issues are essential because our self-image influences everything we do, or think. The issues in our self-assessment section supply a deeper understanding of the personality dynamics that are affecting your career strengths or career restraints.

Experts state that perfectionism is more than an attitude or excess attention to detail. It has become a way of life that creates and amplifies mental issues. It is a clear signal that we have a problematic relationship with our sense of self.

 “It’s not a way of thinking, but a way of being in the world.” — Paul Hewitt, University of British Columbia

Hewitt’s research shows that perfectionism is not about perfecting things — a project, job, or relationship — it is about perfecting our identity.  An obsession with being perceived as perfect is an attempt to perfect our imperfect self.

So, self-development is what you do to improve yourself and your prospects in life. We undertake activities that will enhance our talents, potential, employability, consciousness, and ability to realize our dreams and create wealth.

Our experiences and circumstances, during our formative years, shape our adult lives. However, as we age, our motivation to develop ourselves is driven by our desire to fulfill needs. Thus, self-development is a lifetime process. When the requirements of one level are satisfied, higher ones, which also need fulfillment, arise for the next level.

On a professional level, this manifests as a desire to rise within the ranks – to climb the leadership ladder – or to keep taking our business onto the next milestone. As a force for growth and progress, self-development is an essential aspect of our life.

Three Types of Perfectionists

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” ― Anne Wilson Schaef

Below are three types of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionists — adhere to stringent standards while keeping the strong motivation to achieve perfection and avoid failure — they engage in unforgiving self-assessment.
• Other-oriented perfectionists — establish unrealistic standards for others like partners, friends, or co-workers — they are very inflexible when it comes to assessing how others perform.
• Socially-prescribed perfectionists — believe that others hold unrealistic expectations for them — they cannot live up to external pressure and (perceived) harsh criticism.

The latter, where people let others define their lifestyle, is growing at twice the rate of the other two, according to a study by Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill. Even worse, socially-prescribed perfectionism is the one most associated with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

It is one thing is striving to be your best and another it is trying to be perfect. We need to rethink our relationship with ourselves and accept that we are not perfect. It is hard to get things done when we have zero tolerance for mistakes. We will be more likely to procrastinate since knowing we cannot mess up what we have not yet started.

The pressure to become better and better is now an epidemic. The World Health Organization links severe anxiety disorders to the excessive standards we hold for ourselves. Perfectionism rarely generates personal satisfaction. We do not achieve perfection, but disappointment.

Perfectionism Is Increasing

“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate.” — Maria Shriver

A study called “Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time” found that young people are more burdened than ever.

Unhealthy perfectionism has surged, leading to eating disorders, depression, high blood pressure and thoughts of suicide. A mix of excessively high personal standards (“I have to excel at everything I do”) and intense self-criticism (“I’m a complete failure if I fall short”)  causes this increase. by 

The fear of failure and our desire to be loved and admired drives the pressure to appear flawless.

Our need to please others has reached a new high too. We hold up perfectionists as models more than ever before. Social media has become a space to pursue and achieve perfection. Some think the more likes you acquire, the closer you are to feeling perfect.

Increasingly, young people hold irrational standards for themselves. Often, they have unrealistic expectations for their looks, academic, possessions, and professional achievements. They have bought into the contemporary myth that their lives, including themselves, should be perfect.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to discuss performance assessments with a group of students, who had been awarded scholarships in engineering. They were all very bright. Our predictor of career success supplies the likelihood that an individual will meet or exceed expectations.  A high performer has a score of 60+. This score translates to 82% probability of meeting (31%) or exceeding expectations (51%). For a given role, only a small percentage of people fall into this category, yet, they were disappointed. They have been so conditioned to getting grades of 90+ and being forced to be perfect. It was difficult for many of them to self-reflect and examine the data because their scores were not perfect. Not surprising, some of their perfection trait scores were through the roof.

Perfectionism is a growing epidemic. Studies show that three in teens in North American exhibit some unhealthy perfectionism. Individuals with top scores on perfectionism are more likely to die younger.

Perfection is an impossible goal — you only set yourself up for failure and suffering. That is the paradox of perfectionism. Your increased efforts to try to win someone else’s validation, the worse you become.

Find Meaning, Not Perfection

“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.” — Aristotle

Overcoming perfectionism requires reframing our relationship with life, others, and ourselves. Rather than looking for perfection, we must find meaning.

However, what is “meaning”?

Iddo Landau postulates that most people misconstrue what a meaningful life truly is. He presents the argument in his book Finding Meaning in an Imperfect World. He argues that the meaning of our lives is a matter of value or worth, not of understanding.

 “A meaningful life is one in which there is a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value, and a meaningless life is one in which there is not a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value.”  Iddo Landau

By focusing on what is missing, we do not appreciate what we have. Of all the thoughts that make our lives seem meaningless, the most common and harmful is the Perfectionist Presupposition. It is the belief that a meaningful life must include perfection. It tricks us into wanting to pursue elevated-standards and transcend the common and mundane.

Most of us do not reach perfection. Our disappointment steals our sense of meaning. Landau recommends two strategies to increase the purpose in one’s life:

• Identifying — is the process of discovering what is meaningful for us.

“Many dedicate more thought in one evening to deliberating which restaurant or film they should go to than they do in their entire lifetime to deliberating what would make their lives more meaningful.” — Iddo Landau

• Recognizing is emotionally — appreciating the meaning in one’s life.

Landau tells how a relative, whose son tragically passed away at the age of thirty-six, expressed gratitude for the time they had together. She not only acknowledged, at an intellectual level, that their time together was meaningful but also recognized it at an emotional level.

The mistake most people make is believing that a meaningful life needs to be perfect. However, their perfectionism does not allow them to see the value in ordinary things.

We need to change the lens. We incline to have aesthetic experiences in museums as we adopt an aesthetic view when we enter one. We could take that attitude into the world. Let us develop our sensitivity to appreciate everyday things.

Self-development — taking steps to improve yourself

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” — Brené Brown

The process of self-development is very personal. We must test ourselves and then use that evaluation to decide where we need to make improvements. I encourage you to use performance analytics to gain more insight into your performance DNA. Engaging in self-development help you to improve power skills such as:

• Being a good listener
• Having more empathy towards others
• Becoming more efficient
• Learning to feel more confident
• Becoming more focused and organized
• Setting personal and professional goals

For those who score high on the self-development traits, it is easy. If you are struggling with the self-development process, you will score low on this trait and need to develop strategies to manage this challenging area. Self-development can make an enormous difference when it comes to obtaining success on the job and in other areas of your life. Here are just a few reasons this is the case.

Conscious of Your Weaknesses

Studies show that people who have worked hard on self-development are more self-confident than those who do not. If you are unaware of weakness, or very aware, without a plan to manage the gap, creates self-doubt. Finding the right tools to compensate for your shortcomings takes a while, however, with each success, it gets easier.

Getting to Know Yourself

Self-awareness is a critical part of self-development. If you do not know yourself, you cannot improve yourself. If you know yourself well, you will understand your micro-motives and what makes you feel fulfilled.

Most people are still in jobs that are not fulfilling. They have accepted that this is how they are just meant to live and work. This acceptance of the “status quo” is universal.

Set Career and Life Goals

The pursuit of self-development means that you have a highly developed sense of what is important to you. This clarity is particularly important when you are setting goals. You have a better understanding of what is going to work for you, and what it is that you should be working towards.

When folks who do not know what is essential to them achieve their goal, they may realize that they have arrived at a place that they never wanted to be in the first place.

We all get comfortable, even in our lack of fulfillment, and avoid taking risks that put us in new “places.” Begin with a small step to gain confidence and motivation to continue.

Self-Development and Your Superpowers

A superpower goes beyond pure talent. It is a natural high-ranking performance trait. Other people see it as your “wow factor.” The better developed your personality (using your strengths and managing your challenges), the more people will want to be around you. It would be best if you had these connections to become successful.

Using your superpowers increases self-confidence. With each new success, no matter how small, you stand a little taller; you walk a bit more forcefully; you smile more, and you engage others more. Your positive outlook is contagious and attracts others.

Concluding Thoughts

Done is better than perfect. Perfectionists tend to postpone difficult tasks. They dodge failing by never starting a project. Procrastination is the result of ineffective emotion-management. We must learn to manage our fears. Start by taking small manageable steps. This approach reduces anxiety and overthinking. Wholehearted living is not a milestone. It is a never-ending process.

Strive to dig deep, especially when you are exhausted and stressed by being:

• Deliberate – Be intentional in what you think and do.
• Inspired – Get yourself in the right emotional and mental place to feel like yourself.
• Going – Take action, whether that is to rest or work harder—just do it.

In adopting excessively exacting standards, you set yourself up for failure. Recalibrating your goals when needed does not mean to lower your bar. Your focus goes from success defined by others to what you find to be fulfilling. It means adopting a mindset where you,

• know your micro-motives
• are open to all opportunities that need your micro-motives
• develop strategies to use your performance strengths and manages your challenges
• focus on gradient-assent (the journey) and not the destination

Responding to change over following a plan is at the heart of the Agile movement. Traditional development regarded change as an expense, so it was to be avoided. With Agile, the shortness of an iteration means shifting priorities from iteration to iteration. New features are added to the next iteration. Agile’s view is that changes always improve a project or process; changes supply added value.

Agile methodologies allow people to change the process and make it fit them rather than the other way around. Your approach self-development should follow this approach.

Self-development is a life-long process. We should always have new goals, things to look forward to, new experiences we want to have. All these things contribute to being fulfilled.