How to Ask for Help — Ask for Learning Feedback

Seeking learning feedback is a powerful approach to personal growth. “How easily do you ask for help?” It is one of the most emotionally challenging questions I ask people whom I coach. For most people, the answer is “I find asking for help to be very hard.” They then continue and say, “Because I feel shy or stupid in doing so.” We find it to be challenging to ask for help because it makes us vulnerable.

“People often believe they don’t have trouble asking for help when they do. Sometimes they sit on projects for weeks because they didn’t want to ask for help.” — M. Nora Klaver, author of MayDay! Asking for Help in Times of Need

Help is a Four-Letter Word

Unfortunately, during most of my career, I thought “help” was a four-letter word.

Requesting help from colleagues or friends, whether it be for a work assignment or elsewhere, is something many people have trouble doing. On the other hand, some people are all too comfortable leaning on others. In a society primarily based on helping yourself, it may seem odd to you that I am promoting the idea that we need to learn better ways to ask for help and receive assistance.

We must let others know what we need, what we cannot do by ourselves, what we do not yet know. Our request shows that we are not perfect, not even as good as we want to be. So, the higher you are in performance traits “self- sufficiency” and the lower you are in “self-acceptance” — the higher the likelihood that you will think that you may appear weak, needy or incompetent if you ask for help. However, you won’t. Receiving assistance is a precious gift that most people will give willingly. When we show our vulnerability, we provide others with a more intimate glimpse into who we are.

“There is a tendency to act as if it’s a deficiency. That is exacerbated if a business environment is highly competitive within as well as without. There is an understandable fear that if you let your guard down, you’ll get hurt, or that this information you don’t know how to do will be used against you.” — Garret Keizer, author of Help: The Original Human Dilemma.

However, the danger is that stalling can let the situation grow from a problem into a crisis.

Seek Learning Feedback

Asking for help is not merely good for altruistic reasons; it makes business sense. When you ask for help at work, you show that you are willing to learn. You are taking your career seriously. Moreover, you recognize that you do not know everything. You do need help to grow both personally and professionally.

Most healthy people want to help. Moreover, they derive pleasure from it. However, if you present that need to the wrong individual, you may acquire a hovering, patronizing relationship. You have asked for help getting across a stream, and they are showing you how to build a boat!

“I had created this life of self-sufficiency, and the people I surrounded myself with were takers. There came a point when I needed their help, and they disappeared. I said, ‘I need to change my life — I need to be comfortable giving and taking.’ I needed to say goodbye to some friends and business associates.” — Nora Klaver

At work, seeking learning feedback is the most meaningful thing you can do to find purpose and fulfillment. Before creating your development plan, it would be best if you discovered your micro-motives. You then need to be open to opportunities and see them. This approach enables you to develop strategies for you to build your talent stack to capitalize on the opening. Finally, focus on the direction rather than the destination, as you advance your vantage point will change, and you may wish to change the destination. Enjoy the journey. With learning feedback, you will go to places you never dreamed were possible.

Feedback is a Gift — a Tool for Growth!

Feedback is one of the most influential influences on learning and achievement. However, all too often we see it as a tool for discipline or to get one’s way. Develop a growth mindset where you look at all feedback as learning feedback.

“Taking control of your own growth means taking control of your own feedback.”—Cameron Elliot

Means of Self-Assessment

Ten of the 85 performance traits we measure using SuccessFinder are in the category of self-assessment. Our self-image is affected by everything we do and think. These self-issues traits are essential to understanding how we see ourselves and how others see us.

The traits are:

• self-acceptance — acceptance of self without self-criticism or self-abuse
• self-actualization — strives to maximize one's authenticity
• self-confidence — faith in one's ability and lack of self-doubt
• self-development — degree of personal and emotional maturity toward authority and conformity
• self-expression — ease of expressing one's view persuasively in groups
• self-fulfillment — stays optimistic and positive when confronted with adversity
• self-realization — not conflicted about the sacrifices required to realize one's career potential
• self-respect — the degree to which one holds self in high regard
• self-sufficiency — preference to think and act independently without the support of others
• self-understanding — has a well-established sense of identity or self-awareness

The issues in the means of self-assessment supply a deeper understanding of the personality dynamics affecting your career strengths or career restraints. Knowing your strengths and challenge areas provides insights for growth. It highlights where you should seek learning feedback.

Ask for Help — Breaking Through

As I mentioned above, for much of my career, I thought “help” was a four-letter word. However, once I discover that my performance DNA had the combination of being high in the trait self-sufficiency and low in self-development, I knew why asking for help seemed so difficult for me.

While self-sufficiency is an excellent attribute for many roles, you are more likely to avoid asking for help when needed. However, understanding this reality enables you to develop effective strategies to get the learning feedback to help you personally and professionally.

Take some time to evaluate when you may have received help from asking for help but did not ask. Who could have supplied you the information? What stopped you?

You need to develop strategies to get beyond this blockage. What is a step that you can take to begin to break through a blockage?

Here Are a Few Essential Tips

1. When asking for help make sure you need it. In other words, explore all the practical solutions—including the obvious ones. It only takes one occurrence when your manager asks you, “Why didn’t you try X?” for you to realize the value to check the simple solutions off your list. We see asking for help as being as difficult as “breaking the door down to get in.” However, sometimes you just turn the doorknob to open the door. So, try the straightforward way before asking for help.
2. Trying to resolve an issue yourself first is an excellent way to proceed. However, torturing yourself for hours—or days—before finally admitting you need help is not productive as time goes on, fatigue and frustration clouds your mind. You may feel that it is essential that your boss knows how hard you are working to solve the problem. However, it does not earn you points with anyone. While your manager appreciates dedication and diligence, they loathe inefficiency. When your boss sees you beating yourself up over something, they are thinking, “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” They do not view you as a diligent and dedicated employee. If you cannot figure something out after trying three other solutions on your own, it is time to ask for help.
3. Always prepare a few potential solutions. This approach shows that you have thought through the issue on your own first. Moreover, it shows that you are not asking for a handout; you are looking to get the job done together. Also, supplying your boss a “menu” of options enables them to quickly assess your ideas, build on them, or produce a few of their own. With this approach, you will effectively turn what might have been a cry for help into a collaborative session with a senior team member. That is always a good thing.

Concluding Thoughts

One reason asking for help is challenging, is that most people have never learned how to ask correctly. So, we do it poorly, sometimes using guilt, coercion, and blackmail. We ask the wrong person. We might have been humiliated doing it in the past, so we fear to do it in the future.

Here are five tips that I use in asking for help:

• Be straightforward — ask in specific terms, but do not micromanage
• Rely less on the obvious people — when seeking a doctor, for example, do not just ask your friends, but go to a gym and ask whom the athletes see
• Bypass phone calls or e-mail messages — if possible and make your request in person and in private
• Notice cues — is that an enthusiastic or a reluctant yes?
• Say thanks — when they agree to help you, when your need has been met, and the next time you see the person who helped you

Prepare fully the next time you need to ask for help. Ask, clearly, concisely, and early without making the person you ask feel guilty.

As I have discovered, asking for help, and learning feedback are powerful tools if you employ them strategically. It is best if you keep these tips in mind when you find yourself a little over your head. You will be ensuring that your colleagues and boss do not use any four-lettered words when you need their help.